The Confidence in Saying “I Don’t Know”

I used to think confidence meant having the answer.

Like if someone asked me a question — about parenting, relationships, wellness, or literally anything — I had to know. Or at least muddle my way through the discussion. And if I didn’t, I felt like I was somehow failing or falling behind.

But here’s the truth I’ve come to love (and live by)

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Real confidence isn’t loud. It’s honest.

And the most secure, self-aware, emotionally intelligent people I’ve ever met all have one thing in common.

They’re the first to say, “I actually don’t know.

Can you explain it to me?”

No panic. No shame. No pretending.

Just… curiosity. Openness. Room to grow.

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Insecurity Talks. Confidence Listens.

We live in a world that rewards fast answers and hot takes. People are praised for being opinionated all the time, decisive, quick to respond.

But honestly?

I trust the person who pauses before they speak way more than the one who always has something to say.

Because the person who pauses is thinking. They’re checking their own bias. They’re choosing their words with care. They’re not afraid to look “less than” for five minutes — if it means learning something new.

That’s confidence.

That’s power.

That’s rare.

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Confident People Are Comfortable Being the Student

Think about the most grounded, magnetic people you know.

They’re not know-it-alls. They’re not the loudest voice in the room.

They’re the ones asking questions. Admitting when they’ve changed their mind. Choosing growth over ego.

They’re the ones who say

• “I’ve never thought about it that way.”

• “I didn’t know that — can you explain it?”

• “That’s not something I’ve experienced, but I’d love to learn.”

Meanwhile, insecurity? It panics. It postures. It performs.

It has opinions on everything, even when it’s uninformed. It avoids “I don’t know” like it’s a death sentence. Because insecurity is more concerned with looking smart than being real.

Confidence doesn’t need a script.

Confidence is okay looking a little silly — because it knows that growth is worth it.

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Building This Muscle in Real Life

Here’s how to start practicing this kind of confidence in everyday situations

In conversation

Instead of nodding like you understand, say, “Wait — I’m not following. Can you walk me through that again?”

It’s so freeing to let go of the pressure to “keep up” and just… be curious.

In parenting

When my kids ask about something I’m unfamiliar with, I say, “I’m learning too.”

We look things up together. We have ongoing conversations. They know I’m not all-knowing — and that’s exactly the point.

In my marriage

Sometimes I don’t understand where my husband is coming from. Instead of defending myself or shutting down, I’ve learned to say

“I don’t get it yet, but I want to. Help me understand.”

That one sentence has changed entire arguments.

Online

I’ve never felt the need to chime in on every trending topic, but some people do. I recommend If you don’t know enough, stay quiet or say, “I’m still learning.” The peace that comes with that? Immaculate.

Letting Go of Looking Smart

There’s so much pressure to have it all figured out.

To know the facts. To speak with confidence. To look like you’re never caught off guard.

But honestly?

The smartest people I know are the ones who never stop learning.

The wisest people I know ask more questions than they answer.

So if you’ve been walking through life feeling like you’re behind, or like you’re not “qualified” to speak, or like you’re too afraid to ask the dumb question — this is your permission slip to cut yourself some slack.

You’re allowed to not know.

You’re allowed to learn out loud.

You’re allowed to look silly for five minutes if it means you’re growing for a lifetime.

Let your confidence come from curiosity — not performance.

With love and honest questions,

The Candid Brunette